I’ve been so afraid of anger. I’ve been running from anger, hiding in a false sense of acceptance. I so desperately want to be there, on the other side of this. Anyone would. Turns out, anger is an awfully strong motivator for standing up for yourself.
I haven’t been writing a lot because I started talking with my lawyer about changing the original agreement that I was pressured into signing. I think I struggle with this part so much because it feels like I’m trying to put a dollar sign on the value of our relationship; our marriage. I’ll never be able to do that, so why try? That was my original thinking anyway. Thankfully I have some wonderful friends and guides by my side who have continued to remind me, that even though this feels wrong, I need to look out for myself now. And that means being able to financially support myself in Los Angeles, where I live and work and cannot really afford to live and work. So even though this side of the divorce, the financial side of it, is super uncomfortable, I’ve decided to start speaking up anyway. Because let’s be honest, this whole things has been more than uncomfortable, it’s been brutally fucking painful. So I might as well get over that.
This means I wrote an email. I retained a lawyer. I’ve been praying more than usual and reminding myself to breathe. I’ve been trying to find a sense of balance between sheer panic/anxiety and determination. Without getting into it too much, I have hope that this part of the process is going to work itself out and should be over soon.
Along with all of this – the changes, the panic, the anger – has been this struggle to just let go a little bit. I certainly don’t want to fall into a huge funk and gain 25 pounds, but I’m finding its okay – and maybe beneficial to my mental health – to not cook dinner every night. To sleep in some mornings and skip breakfast. To set crossfit on the back burner for a few weeks and take more naps. I don’t want it to be like this forever, but for now my self care needs to come first. And even though taking care of myself physically is an important part of my self-care, so is forgiving myself when I can’t do all of those things, every single day. So as my friend the cookie monster says, I am living in the moment unless the moment is unpleasant in which case I will have a cookie. Self-care looks different for everyone, and I know mine will evolve over time. I’m just taking a step back, allowing for the sadness and the slowing down, and continuing to put one foot in front of the other.
Also, in case you are wondering, its a very bad idea to utilize the “saved deleted messages” function on your iPhone to listen to messages from months ago. That is not recommended and may result in a complete and utter emotional breakdown. In your office. On a Monday afternoon. File that away under “Bad Ideas” and “Do not attempt at home”.