I will learn to love what I cannot change, but I will change whenever Ican.
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

-LeAnn Rimes, What I Cannot Change
Pardon my French, but let me just say this: Divorce is a mind fuck. That’s the only way I can think to adequately describe what I am feeling. It is such a weird thing to be finally getting along with and agreeing with the person you are married to… only this time, the thing you are agreeing on is not being together. We are finally getting along, conversations aren’t so strained anymore, we are required to work as a team for the sake of the division of property and sale of the condo. And it feels weird. Like I should be yelling and screaming at him every time we talk, only I don’t want to because it’s too much work and heartache for me. Am I still mad? Yes. Do I still question things? Yes. But I think I’ve finally arrived in the land of acceptance if not for any other reason than this: I no longer want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be in one with me. Of course I never wanted that, but its becoming more clear now that I have been, for quite awhile now. And that felt so shitty. When you are lied to and betrayed, it gets all too east to get sucked into the –what-could-have-been’s and the what-ifs of the relationship. I play that game all the time, and I still lose. Because any way you look at it, I deserve better. Period.
In the midst of all the mind fuckery, there are visions of what my life could look like soon. What it looks like now. And I am liking what I see. Sure, I’m insanely busy trying to hold down a full-time job, keep the condo presentable for prospective buyers (and be able to vacate at the drop of a hat), and be able to take care of myself mentally and physically. There are literally not enough hours in the day. So I am just hanging on for dear life at the moment. But I get glances of what could be, what will be. Dinners over wine and appetizers with friends in the perfect southern California weather. Runs along the airport and beach paths. Picking out bedding and new-apartment decorations that only need to please myself. Cooking for one. Sleeping alllllllllll over the bed. Attending meetings and socials and getting more involved in the community that matters so much to me. Contemplating my PhD. Soaking up full weekends with my family and not having to share that time. Reading ALL THE BOOKS. Having the time and clear-headedness needed to study for my LCSW exam. Getting manicures and pedicures.
During all the horrible months leading up to the actual act of getting divorced, my number one-fear was being alone. I spent so much time and energy trying to “fix” my marriage, that I had no time for other friends. I would tell my Mom everyday, “I have no friends in LA”. I had become what I always swore I wouldn’t – one of the girls who loses herself in her relationship and loses everyone else in the process. It’s a fucking scary thing to then be losing your marriage, no matter how unhappy you may have been. I was terrified.
Within DAYS of K. leaving (and even a few days before) I had friends crawling out of the woodwork. Friends from college who now live in LA and want to hang out. Invitations to join kickball teams and go to happy hour. Work friends who started inviting me non-work events. Friends who live in other cities who reached out to me, knowing nothing of what I was going through, inviting me to birthday parties and other celebrations; kick-starting long-lost friendships into something I cannot imagine my life without. It brings tears to my eyes every time I talk about it, because I have no explanation for it, other than I am very loved by the One who Redeems all things. In unimaginable ways. The One who has managed to take a battered-and-broken heart and turn it into a heart of gratitude. So much gratitude. I am so thankful. And I’m not scared anymore. Not even a tiny little bit.

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