When I was married, I was totally married. I scheduled my life around being married – around another person. My dreams and my goals and my plans for my life didn’t matter as much as someone else’s. I was also, unfortunately, married to the wrong person – a person who was selfish and manipulative, so that didn’t help the situation any. I spent all of my time trying to be better, as I felt inherently less-than. A better wife, and better lover, and better cook, and better housekeeper. Anything to keep the other person happy, which was next to impossible. As a result, I lost myself. I lost friends, I had strained relationships with my family, and I didn’t like myself.
When I found out I was going to be single (or more accurately, divorced), I threw myself into that new role. I read books like “Not Your Mother’s Divorce” and “A Woman’s Worth” (both of which I’d highly recommend, by the way). I spent nights journaling and learning to cook for one, enjoyed the solitude of living alone and spending entire weekends without putting on pants or leaving my apartment. I reconnected with old friends and spent a lot of time traveling and doing “single things” like going out, partying, flirting with guys, etc. It was A LOT of fun.
When I started dating again, I told myself it was the perfect time because I wasn’t in a hurry to find anything so I could be as picky as I wanted. I flew blindly into dating and found myself face-to-face with someone I felt instantly comfortable with. Pair this with my introverted, socially-awkward side and my tendencies to go too-deep-too-fast, and I found myself as someone’s girlfriend. Instead of “dating like a normal person”, I once again found myself falling deep into something. After our third date, we spent every single day of the next week together, except for one. He met my friends and my family, got a key to my apartment, and spent almost every single evening of the next month at my place.
I like the idea of being married, I think. I want to be married again someday.
I like living by myself. I like not wearing pants on weekends. I like seeing my friends as often and as much as I want. I like staying out until the lights come back on at the bar. I like reading books all night long and cooking for myself.
I like being in a relationship. I love being adored and valued and complimented and appreciated and loved. I love being in a partnership.
I just don’t know how to balance all of these things in my life. I’m drowning. And I am scared of taking down the people I care about with me too. Best friends, family members, my boyfriend. I don’t know the solution or have any of the answers, but I know that admitting when I’m failing has always been the first step towards figuring things out.
I can barely stand right now. Everything is crashing down, And I wonder where You are.
I try to find the words to pray. I don’t always know what to say, But You’re the one that can hear my heart.
Even though I don’t know what your plan is, I know You’re making beauty from these ashes.
I’ve seen joy and I’ve seen pain. On my knees, I call Your name. Here’s my broken hallelujah.
With nothing left to hold onto, I raise these empty hands to You. Here’s my broken hallelujah.