I have an issue with being a statistic, I always have. I guess we are all statistics, one way or another, seeing as how statistics are usually numbers made up of people. Not all statistics are bad, just the ones that have been bouncing around in my head lately. Did I ever think I would be a part of the divorce statistic? No, but then again I’d guess most of the people who make up that statistic didn’t either.
I’m so much more than that failure, that breakdown. It’s hard to remember in the throws of the grief, but I am. And in some cases, I’m even in good company. Some good advice I received recently from a friend who has been through it: “Please do not burden yourself with guilt. Fuck it. Really. Sometimes things don’t work out and that’s that. You aren’t a failure.” If that’s not good advice, I don’t know what is. It was also right on the money. I thought marriage could run your emotions through the ringer; little did I know it has nothing on the emotions you experience going through a divorce. My emotions, on any given day during any given hour, can cycle from anger, to fear, to sadness, to self-pity, to loneliness, to relief, to grief, to freedom, to love, to hate and back again. I’m finally starting to see past this fog of pain, with the love and help of so many wonderful people, and I’m able to see past this feeling of being a failure. It also helps knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that I did everything I could to make my marriage work. And it still didn’t. The breakdown wasn’t about me. It’d be too easy to spill all of his sins for all to see – even though I fantasize about doing that often. I want to scream LOOK AT EVERYTHING HE DID and ITS NOT MY FAULT and I’M NOT THE FAILURE and I want to give proof. As satisfying as that might be in the moment, in the long run I know it won’t do anything to make me feel better or aid in the healing. And right now I’m focusing on me and what I need and making myself a priority. So even through the divorce wasn’t about me or my failings, the recovery is all mine. It’s all about me. And I can’t keep focusing on the breakdown.
Thankfully, life is about so much more than numbers. Who likes math anyway? Screw statistics.