I’m so blessed to have such wonderful, caring people in my life – from my parents who JUST finished paying for our wedding, to my absolute saint of a boss, and my friends. People have been slowly putting two-and-two together and reaching out to me. They have said some of the kindest things I’ve ever heard. The amount of love and compassion I have felt from everyone in my life is indescribable. Everyone wants to know how I’m doing, wants to lend an ear and has offered up their phone lines at all hours of the days and nights. Aside from a few rough days here and there, I’ve been finding myself doing surprisingly well. Not that this hasn’t been the most painful time in my life – it has -but I’ve been mourning the loss of this relationship for quite some time now and I’m not lying on the floor completely broken.
Then there was this week.
The air conditioning went out on my 13-year old car. It’s not even worth $1200 but that’s how much it will cost to fix it.
I received a letter addressed to both of us informing me that we are delinquent on our property taxes. Our mortgage is supposed to pay that, but they have not been. So now we have a scary letter with big, red, threatening words on it. I had to scan it into a computer and send it to my soon-to-be ex-husband and include this line at the bottom of the email, “Please confirm you’ve received this email and are looking into this.” Talk about a knife to the heart. This is the person I was supposed to spend my life with, who was supposed to be the father of my children. And now? He’s nothing more than a business partner – one that has been reduced to cold email correspondences to be kept at a bare minimum.
And tomorrow is our would-be 2nd anniversary.
I can’t breathe.
I feel like I will never stop crying. If I’m honest with myself, deep down in my heart, I know this is the right thing. I know that God is being merciful with me and that I’m am getting the opportunity to start over, after only a few years, and remove myself from what has become a toxic relationship. But that doesn’t make the process any less painful. He’s everywhere. In the pictures around OUR home, that we bought together less than a year ago, and began fervently redecorating and improving with the joint goal that this was our first home together and would be our first and probably best joint investment together. In every significant, and even not-so-significant, memory from the past 8 years of my life. College, graduations, birthdays, family events, living in DC, grad school, etc etc. He’s the reason I live in Los Angeles. He’s the reason my job is here – my career is here. The list goes on and on.
I can’t even think about it anymore.
“You don’t know what the story is about when you’re in the middle of it. You think you do, but you don’t. You make up all kinds of possible story lines: this is about growing up. Or this is about living without fear. You can guess all you want, but you don’t know. All you can do is keep walking.” – Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet