I knew that starting a new job was going to be tough – there is always so much to learn – but I really had no idea just how big of an adjustment it was going to be. I have officially survived two whole weeks in the Emergency Room of a major Los Angeles hospital as a Medical Social Worker. It’s been absolutely bat-shit crazy and I’ve only cried twice (coincidentally, the two times I cried were in the same day and that day was this past friday). I have never been busier in my life. There are days where I have been trying to talk on my office phone when my work cell phone rings so I answer that one too and then someone is knocking on my door. It madness but I am starting to get the hang of it, I think I am making a few friends, and I like working with the patients.
Overall this was an exceptional career opportunity for me and I had to take it, but it was very hard to leave the job (and my coworkers and my clients) that I’ve had for the past three and a half years. I went from working with children in an outpatient setting with seven co-workers, to running around a busy ER all day, adult patients, and with fifty new coworkers (nurses and doctors). I’ve been keeping my sanity by taking naps after work and eating more donuts than usual.
This past Thursday (June 4th) was my would-be wedding anniversary. I honestly don’t even know if I would have remembered, but facebook’s super helpful “On This Day” memory reminder thingamahjig keep alerting me to this fact all week. Every morning I would read a comment or five from my friends from years ago saying things like “OMG only four more days until the big day” and “AHHHHH you are getting married TOMORROW!” Which was really super nice of them, I think to myself and I delete each and every comment. And I don’t think it’s ending any time soon. Now that the actual anniversary has passed, I’ve been getting a lot of comments like “Hope you are having an amazing honeymoon!”
I wasn’t as sad as I thought I would be. I think this year has been easier than past ones because more time has passed, and also because I am just so happy and fulfilled in my life, both professionally and personally. That makes a huge difference, as you know. However, I still felt a little sting when I thought about it. It still feels weird to me that I no longer have any kind of relationship with this person who was in my life for so long. Don’t get me wrong, given everything that has happened and HOW it all happened, I no longer want any kind of relationship with this person. But in the quiet, still moments it still feels strange to think about.
I think I’m finally at a place where I am grateful for everything that happened. I have had many moments of thankfulness over these past few years, but I feel that I have fully stepped into that. It was a bitch of a journey to get here, but now I am here and it’s oh-so-good. I’m thanking God for all the things I could have sworn I would never be thankful for and my prayers now are like “Thank you Jesus for all of the times I cried myself to sleep and for the people who let me down and for the other woman and for K’s complete lack of integrity and most of all for rescuing me from that life because now I get to live this one and thank you thank you thank you amen.” It’s nothing short of amazing to me how our great God redeems even the darkest of times in our lives.
I have a love like I have never known, both with Andrew and with myself. We have a big love. I try to use other adjectives to describe what is between us, but everything else fails except for “big”. I have never felt so loved and accepted and encourage to be exactly who I am, and it shows. When we first moved in together, I was SO nervous about it. I had only lived with one other boy before (my ex-husband) and it went pretty badly from the start. Living with Andrew has been almost effortless. We really just have an excellent time together. And of course, this big, big love that I will forever try to explain but I hope I never can.
I’m so excited to see what else is to come, and so so thankful for the entire road it took to get here