the list-that’s-not-really-a-list.
I had almost forgotten how fun making out can be.
I am really trying to just enjoy the NOW, and if the now includes a make out session on my couch, I’m not going to complain.
However, I’m also a tad weary of the “beginning” part of things. You know, when you meet someone you think is cute, you get to know them a little better and find out you have SO much in common, and pretty soon you want to be together all the time and forget about normal everyday things, like doing laundry and eating dinner because you are so distracted by their lips. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this part. It’s totally fun, so sign me up.
I just don’t want to get so distracted that I forget about everything else that I want. It’s too easy to get caught up in the physical side of things and forget the rest. Sure, the physical side is important to any relationship – I think, especially in the beginning. But I also know I’m looking for something that can develop into so much more than that.
I joke around about having a “list” of qualities I want in a partner. I’m only half-joking when I say that. I do have a list, but it’s not an end-all-be-all list. If I met someone who had all or most of the qualities I am looking for, I wouldn’t stop dating them if they didn’t meet all of the “criteria”. One way I could outline this list is to just write out qualities of my ex and then say “The Exact Opposite of All of These” and it would be pretty accurate. (It actually makes me laugh now when I think about just how little K and I had in common. I mean, it’s ridiculous.) Anyway, I’m still learning things about myself and what I want, so this list is sort of growing and changing and evolving along the way.
One of the many incredible/nice/sweet things that fourth-date guy (!) says to me is that he thinks I’m a good writer. It took me awhile to figure out why that was – for lack of a better phrase – such a turn on for me. It’s a nice compliment, sure. But I think it means so much to me because it means that he takes me seriously. When we talk about my writing class, he takes my ideas seriously and we have conversations about the things I’m struggling with and not only is it so FUN but I feel heard and supported and like what I have to say matters. Let’s just say those are not things I felt when I was married and leave it at that.
Because of my past relationship(s), I also know that I want a partner who will stand up for me when warranted, but not in an overbearing I’m-a-manly-man-and-you-are-my-property-hear-me-roar kind of way, but in a  you-are-my-partner-and-I-only-want-good-things-for-you-so-I’m-here-to-help kind of way. Someone who will back me up but also call my bluff when I’m not being authentic. Someone who – when it feels like the world is against me – is the one person I know I can count on to be standing next to me saying “Bring it on”. Someone who I know and trust without a shadow of a doubt, that he’s not going anywhere.
Making me laugh is a given. I laugh often and easily, so if you can’t make me laugh we are going to have much bigger problems.
Someone who listens and doesn’t participate in the “crazymaking”. You know what I mean – when I’m angry at you for something and instead of listening to my experience and my feelings you dismiss them and say something like “Why are you ALWAYS so angry” or “Are you on your period?” That’s a good way to piss me off, fast. I am a human and I have feelings and yes, sometimes those feelings are going to be angry ones and they might be directed at you. I’m looking for someone who can handle that and is willing to listen and talk about what I’m feeling, instead of simply writing me off. It’s entirely possible that I am blowing something out of proportion (or that yes, I’m on my period) and then we will come to that conclusion together as we talk things out.
Someone who supports me. Challenges me. Is a progressive Christian. Deep-thinker. Book-reader. Affectionate. Tells me what he’s thinking. Good kisser. Great family. Similar goals in life. Knows how valuable I am (and reminds me when I forget). Likes my writing. Loves his job, but not more than he loves me (been there, done that, no thanks). Passionate and compassionate. Loves animals. Not allergic to cats. Wants children. Supportive. Honest. Loves my friends. Loves my family. Can apologize. Is willing to be open and vulnerable, even when it’s not easy. Witty. Sarcastic. Great sense of humor. Respectful. Willing to let our relationship develop at it’s own pace.
You know, the standard stuff.
In the meantime, I’ll just be over here working on myself and re-applying my chapstick.

Comment

  1. Can I just say I honestly just love your blog! As a 41 year old mom of 2 girls, I admire how, throughout the pain you’ve experienced, you’ve continued to grow and find clarity. You are incredibly brave! I particularly love this post. I forwarded it to my 20 year old. We live in an area that many people marry wayyyyyy young. It’s my hope that my girls figure out its not a race, and establish who they really are, stick to it, and be appreciated for that. Ultimately I hope they find someone they can accept and encourage also, as that person is. Anyhow! Much love and best wishes to you! Thanks for sharing!!!

  2. Mama bear, I agree! I am a 54 year old divorcee with one almost 21 year old son and Adriana is brave!! So enjoy her posts — which I am “sneak reading” right now cuz I’m at work! but/and: it’s been inspirational…

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