the space between.

“On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.”

I found that quote on Pinterest (which should be illegal since it’s equivalent to crack) and it could not be more true of how I feel right now. When people ask me how I’m doing, I used to say I have good days and bad days. I don’t really think that’s accurate anymore, I have good days and bad moments. Most of the time I can breathe through the bad moments; I literally take deep breaths and start thinking about all the things I’m thankful for. A grateful heart is really difficult to keep down for very long. And I really do have so much to be thankful for.

That this is happening now, and not 10 years from now.
My incredible, amazing, loving parents.
My friends and their never-ending patience and ability to make me laugh, all the time.
My cat, who loves to snuggle and steal my carrots.
My job. My clients. My awesome boss.
My crossfit homies, who inspire and push me to show up everyday. Er, well at least 3-5 times a week.
My loving Redeemer.

The list goes on and on and on. It really does.

But, there is something to be said for the lull in this “between-time”. The paperwork has been filed, the pictures have been taken down/deleted/put it storage/burned, the finances have been separated and now…. we wait. For California to finalize the divorce, for me to figure out what I will do once I move out, where I will go, etc etc. There are a few things I cannot do yet, like legally change my name back which delays a whole bunch of other things, like getting a new license, new social security card, names changed on bank accounts, etc etc. There is a lot of “etc” in divorce, I’m learning. The sheer logistics of it all is the most overwhelming. So, just like everything else these days, I am just trying to breathe through it. I’m reading more books, taking more baths, spending more time with people who make my heart happy. I’m trying to plan for the future without trying to control what happens next, because I really have no idea how to do that anyway. Do I stay in LA – a city I never really loved but with a job I adore? Do I move back to San Diego now, or wait until I get licensed? When do I think about dating again? (The answer to that I’m not sure, but I do know it’s not anytime soon). Which book should I read next? (That’s my favorite problem.) How do I tell the next person who asks me how my husband is doing? (Think hair dresser, spray tan lady, mailman, coworkers, old friends who email me, friends who know I’m married but don’t know anything else, friends of my parents, people who realize my last name doesn’t match the name on my email address, potential new employers, the car insurance sales rep, my mechanic, the cable company, the DWP guy…. this list goes on and on, as well). My answers were less than graceful in the beginning, but in my defense I had to hear sales rep after sales rep (when we were changing the bills to my name and explaining the reason for the change) say to me, “I’m sorry to hear you are going though this” and then later wish me a “great day!” Now I just say something along the lines of, We are actually separated and in the process of divorcing so I haven’t spoken to him in awhile, but that’s sweet of you to ask. I’m doing fine though, thank you. And then I change the subject. Most people are happy to talk about something else.

The logistics of divorce SUCK, there is no other way to put that. But in the grand scheme of things, I am doing okay with everything. Just breathing through the bad moments and being thankful in all the rest.

 

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