you are here.

I complain about being too busy or too stressed or having plans every single weekend from here until the end of the summer, but in reality I’ve never felt more balanced. This balance is something I’ve struggled with before – the fine line between the crazy-fun infatuation stage of a new relationship and getting in too-deep-too-fast. I think I may have finally gotten the balance right — and I’m bored.

AH isn’t that just like life though? The grass is always greener on the other side, right? WRONG. The grass is always greener where you water it. Not only is this just 5th grade science, it’s the plain truth. So now I’m sitting here with all of these wonderful things in my life, pretty perfectly balanced – my job, a fab social life with fun and loving friends, family time, and a new, fun relationship – and I’m missing the days when I was so scared I didn’t know what was going to come next. I can’t even believe  I just typed those words. I’m MISSING the time when I was SCARED out of my mind about what was going to come next? Okay, so maybe “missing” isn’t the right word. I’m “remembering fondly” the times in the not-so-distant-past that I didn’t have everything figured out or planned on a calendar. Those days and weekends and months of not-knowing. Sure, it was a lot of Saturday nights spent at home doing laundry and watching Friends re-runs with my cat. But it was also a time of immense growth and a whole lot of faith. Because when you find yourself dumped and divorced at the oh-so-young age of 26, you don’t have much to go on other than faith. Nothing that happened over the course of the past year was anything I had ever prepared myself to have to handle. The learning curve was really high and my faith was all I had. And when you are stripped down to the bare minimum, a beautiful thing happens.

You have nothing left to lose.

So you can join kickball leagues and go see movies by yourself and read books in public coffee shops and spend hours in libraries and treat yourself to manicures and take an online writing class and learn how to cook fancy meals and strike up conversations with random people and join a volunteerism league and dream about writing books and read magazines at the park and spend hours on the phone with your best friends and take spontaneous road trips and flirt around with online dating and bare your bruised and bleeding soul to the whole of the internet.

And not give a shit about what happens as a result of those things.

You can really put yourself out there, or keep yourself locked away for days at a time and nobody cares. Nothing bad happens. You have this enormous sense of autonomy and it’s addictive.

I still have stress. I still have days of not knowing. I’m currently in contention for a huge new job opportunity that I feel totally qualified for but simultaneously apprehensive about. I know some jobs look good on paper (this job looks RIDICULOUSLY good on paper) and then don’t feel like they fit quite right. And to take this ridiculously good-looking opportunity of a job, I’d have to give up the currently fits-just-right-and-I’m-so-thankful-for-it job that I currently have. Additionally, I know I’m going to be disappointed if I don’t get it, but it will also be very difficult to leave coworkers and clients that I love, if I do. Again, the grass is always greener somewhere else.

I’ve been thinking more lately about how to water the grass around my feet. I’m going to take another writing class because nothing has ever made me feel more alive or happier (read: stupid happy.) than reading total strangers comments on my work. I also felt like I really had to push myself out of my box to write fiction, which felt incredible. I am going to start juicing more because since I’ve stopped doing that regularly I have less energy and I’ve been getting sick more often. I’m going to continue to create space in my life to do things spontaneous and to take care of myself. When I look back on this past year there is a lot of pain and sadness, but there was also a whole of me-taking-care-of-myself in the first time in a long time.

And as scared as that person was last year – as scared as I was – I have also never been more strong.

So here’s to faith in the midst of the not-knowing. I’m so thankful to be here.


Also thankful to be here.
The Last Bookstore, in DTLA.
AKA my new favorite place.
Thanks to the boyfrannnn for introducing me to it.
He gets me.

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